that night

on Friday night,
the night of your birthday,
the night when i took out the old photos of us
the night i cried while looking at your innocent face
the night when i slept at around 12
the night before the day i had a kursus of pengurusan jenazah

...

you came, didn't you?
but you came at around 1 to 2 am
when i was sleeping soundly
when i was dead to the world,
you came to my house.

kak yati told me just now,
because she couldn't sleep,
so she woke up kak parmi.
they knew that you came
you smelled really nice, they said
hey, you smell of bunga mawar
and a bit of kapur barus

but you just stayed downstairs,
in atok's room or around the kitchen.
while i was sleeping soundly,
i didn't even dream of you,
or if i did, god won't let me remember.

questions are popping in my head

why didn't you go upstairs?
why just stay downstairs?
did you just want to see atok?
you could've gone in my room, ryt?
i could've woke up.
why didn't you come at 12am?
when i was still awake.
i would've come downstairs just to be in your presence.
you could've went in my dream to talk to me.
you could've just stayed in my room.
you could've be there while i was thinking so much about you.
but why didn't you?
was atok all you wanted to see then?
did you not want to see me?

why not me, syara?
why not me?