my condition

i thought i was already stable

but i guess i'm not.

that night

on Friday night,
the night of your birthday,
the night when i took out the old photos of us
the night i cried while looking at your innocent face
the night when i slept at around 12
the night before the day i had a kursus of pengurusan jenazah

...

you came, didn't you?
but you came at around 1 to 2 am
when i was sleeping soundly
when i was dead to the world,
you came to my house.

kak yati told me just now,
because she couldn't sleep,
so she woke up kak parmi.
they knew that you came
you smelled really nice, they said
hey, you smell of bunga mawar
and a bit of kapur barus

but you just stayed downstairs,
in atok's room or around the kitchen.
while i was sleeping soundly,
i didn't even dream of you,
or if i did, god won't let me remember.

questions are popping in my head

why didn't you go upstairs?
why just stay downstairs?
did you just want to see atok?
you could've gone in my room, ryt?
i could've woke up.
why didn't you come at 12am?
when i was still awake.
i would've come downstairs just to be in your presence.
you could've went in my dream to talk to me.
you could've just stayed in my room.
you could've be there while i was thinking so much about you.
but why didn't you?
was atok all you wanted to see then?
did you not want to see me?

why not me, syara?
why not me?

23rd April 2010 - Friday

Happy 15th Birthday Syara!

i called durrah and we both miss you a lot
i wonder how raya would be this year?

well, anywayz,
we'll always love you and remember you.
and i still miss you a lot
but i know you're always here with me and durrah
so that makes me feel a bit better.

p.s: i wish i hugged you more when i had the chance to.

remembering you

pak cuk juz got out of the hospital today.
i called mom after kokurikulum
and asked if i could visit pak cuk
and if she could pick me up since it was raining

and then she said that pak cuk was already at my house
so i juz waited around till mom picked me up
and there, in front of the tv downstairs
was the bed under mine
which syara slept on
instead, pak cuk was on it.
and he was talking to atok(his mom).

i put my bag in my room,
came back down
and studied next to pak cuk.

(when pak cuk went to the toilet)
atok: kesian pak cuk
me: ha ah
fatin tau tak, masa acuk tengok fatin belajar, dia buat macam ni
(atok put her hand in front of her eyes)
ye ke?
hmm... dia masih terkenang pasal syara ah tu
...

me: pak cuk, pak cuk
pak cuk: apa?
fatin nak mintak maaf tau kalau ada buat apa2 salah kat pak cuk
mana ada. fatin tak de buat pape salah.
ye lah tu. fatin sorry tau, tau?
tak pe. pak cuk maafkan.
ok...
fatin jangan sedih tau
*nods*
kalau fatin sedih, nanti pak cuk pun sedih
*nods*
fatin solat, doakan die ye?
*nods*
fatin maafkan dosa-dosa die, ok?
*nods*
mintak Allah rahmati dia, ok fatin?
*nods* hmm.

all the while,
i was holding back the tears
that were trying to escape.
it was so hard

pak cuk, mom and dad
are going to johor right now.
pak cuk wants to visit syara's kubur
and wants to meet everyone who is still at johor.
but they're coming back tomorrow
and pak cuk still has an appointment at the hospital.

(came back from tution)
kak parmi: syara ada pernah bagitau akak yang fatin dengan syara tak pernah gaduh
me: ha ah ek? tak pernah pun kitorang gaduh. tapi fatin gaduh dengan durrah adalah.
ye. syara pun bagitau akak yang die dengan durrah pun pernah gaduh. tapi dengan fatin tak pernah ek?
tak...
syara kata fatin baik orangnya, tak sombong. fatin pun selalu cuba untuk memahami dan menolongnya.
macamlah fatin ni baik sangat.
pastu dia kata yang dia tu tau yang dirinya miskin, tapi dia kata fatin tak pernah pandang rendah padanya.
... dia kata macam tu ke?
ye. dia kata dia suka sangat dengan fatin
fatin pun suka kat syara.

me: last time fatin jumpa syara yang masa dia sleepover tu lah. kak parmi bila?
kak parmi: apa? kali terakhir cakap dengan dia?
ha ah.
masa kak parmi pergi restoran pak cuk sama mak uda.
owh...
syara yang layan kitorang
ye ke?
ha ah. pastu dia cakap sama parmi,
'bibi, kita nak pergi rumah mak shah (my mom) lagi lah'
'owh... kenapa?'
'nak belajar dengan fatin. belajar kat situ pun sedap. ada kawan.'
'pergilah. fatin pun suka'
'tengok lah kalau cuti sekolah kita tak busy'


you told me to talk to you in english
but i'm too used to talking in malay to you,
so sometimes i forgot.
and we kept repeating to ourselves.
'talk in english, talk in english'
and when we did,
i asked you a question in 3 seconds,
you answer me in 3 minutes.
it was a fun moment.

you was sitting on the chair
and i was lying on my tummy on the floor.
you were doing geografi,
i was doing bm.
i kept asking you questions
because i didn't know what the meaning was.
you answered me as best as you can.
later on, i fell asleep face-down on the floor
but you kept on studying...

when i see the blender,

i see both of us trying to make ice-blended orange juice.

we were putting the ice in, adding sugar, adding water

and we were debating whether we should add more water/ice or not.

in the end, we finished making the drinks.

but it tasted awful after drinking half a cup.

too sweet/sour.

so, in my room, i was the one who drank what you didn't finish

syara: boleh lagi kau minum tu? *shivers*

when i look at the kitchen sink,
i see me and you juz after eating lunch together
you were washing the dishes
i was (as usual) too lazy to
syara: kita mestilah basuh pinggan sendiri
me: ye cikgu...
apalah fatin ni! kita yang makan, kita yang basuh lah kan?
yes...

ahaha! tengok kita ni, boleh masak, boleh cuci baju sendiri. macam mana kau nak kahwin nanti? nak kahwin pun kena buat benda-benda macam ni jugak kan?
you sound so much like my mom.
haha! kita masak sedap-sedap kan?
yelah! engkau berniaga, ada restoran. aku ni sapelah nak ajar.
hehe. alasan...alasan... nanti kita ajar kau masak eh?
jadi engkau kena banyak bersabar dengan aku.
Chef Syara. bunyi nya sedap kan? Chef Syara.
wei, dah lah tu. aku tau lah aku fail dalam masak-masak ni.

you was sitting on my bed,

and i was sitting on my chair.

you got my pengawas note book, and a blue pen

and then you wrote something.

you gave the paper to me,

grinning from ear to ear.

the paper had your messy writing on it.

"FATIN RAIHANA

HANINI DURRAH

MIMIE SYARA

->We're best friends.....

until forever

and ever

and ever

adn and x100....."

i will always love you, syara

MIMIE SYARA
MY DEAR BELOVED COUSIN
BORN ON 23rd APRIL 1995
RETURNED TO ALLAH ON 10th APRIL 2010

you were such a hardworking girl
even though you were not that clever,
you never gave up and kept on going.
you wanted to go to university
and you wanted me to teach you english.

mimie syara,
we were always together along with Hanini Durrah
even though durrah was a year younger,
we were always together through thick and thin.
there wasn't a time when we fought
you were always the peacemaker among us three.
we loved you like a twin sister.

i remember the time when we were flower girls for kak yuli's marriage.
i was in the middle with you on my right and durrah on my left.
we were walking slowly up the hill with the others behind us,
and we were murmuring to each other
"Wei, lambat mana kitorang nak naik atas ni? kalah dengan siput tau tak???"

i remember the time when we were in Bang Cici's room.
we were lying on the bed and gossipping about our lives.
we shared our stories and started to talk about our crushes.

i remember the time when we were about 9 years old
durrah maybe 8
it was at raya, and the others tengah berzikir
we were on the swing with azim, shafiq, syamim, azhan, haziq and everyone else who were crazilly immature.
and we started to sing
'Balik kampung!!! Oooh~ Balik kampung!!! Oooh~ Balik kampung'
until Pak Long and Pak Uda came out and scolded us.
then we were quiet but giggled over what happened.

i remember pak uda trying to show us magic with m&n sweets
one minute it's in his hands
the other, it's gone.
padahal, he threw it in his mouth to eat,
but he denied it.
so we were trying to open his mouth which was shut
in the end, he opened it and showed it to us
pak uda: 'tengok! tak de pun. kan pak uda kata tak de'
kitorang: 'memanglah! sebab pak uda dah makan!!!'

i remember the time when we were at Tok Usu's house
we took care of her and Atok Usu
we played with the goose who wanted to peck our hands
then durrah and i fought over something
durrah was on top of the bed,
i was under it
durrah was facing the wall while crossing her arm,
i was on the floor drawing things with my fingers
syara, you were the one who told us to become friends again
you went to durrah and said
'Durrah, durrah janganlah macam ni. baiklah dengan fatin, durrah.'
and then you went under the bed and said to me
'Fatin, fatin janganlah macam ni. baiklah dengan durrah, fatin'
and then we all hugged each other and went back to being on good terms again.
since then, if durrah and i fight, you would always be there to help us

i remember when we were just kids
and it was at night.
Pak Uda (durrah's dad) was telling us kids a ghost story at the balcony
Pak Uda: 'pada suatu hari... ada dua orang budak, namanya Durrah dengan Syara'
durrah: 'janganlah ayah!'
Pak Uda: 'lepas tu, diorang jalan masa tengah malam-malam buta'
syara: 'pak uda!'
Pak Uda: 'tengah jalan tu, terserempak dengan fatin, tapi sebenarnya fatin tu dah jadi zombie'
fatin: 'Pak Uda! tak yah lah!!'
Pak Uda: 'syara dengan durrah pun pergi dekat fatin, lepas tu fatin pegang tangan diorang dan nak gigit kepala durrah'
durrah: 'ayah!!!'
Pak Uda: 'akhirnya, fatin pun.... kentut'
kitorang: 'PAK UDA!!!!'

i remember walking up the hill with both of you,
we had to pass the old house yang dah roboh
as usual, we were scaredy-cats and ran for our lives to pass that creepy lane
at the end, we were huffing and puffing
like the three little pigs
wait, cross that. it was the wolf who blew the house down.

i remember when durrah hasn't come back to kampung yet,
so we took a walk up the hill together
we went farther than we thought, but kept on going while holding hands and singing songs together
macam kanak-kanak ribena.

the last time i met you was about 3 weeks ago
you slept over at my house to study together for PMR
it was the first time we did that, and it was so much fun
unfortunately, it was also the last time.

when i look at my bed, i see you and me, lying on the bed and talking about stuff, laughing and throwing mr teddy and pillows at each other

when i look at the study table,
i see two chairs instead of one,
and you're in one of them, while i was in the other
i was teaching you science, about respiration
you were so slow, trying to get what i was saying
and it took me a dictionary to translate english to bm

when i look at my bag, i see your bag next to it
it's filled with your pajama's in it
just lying there waiting for you to finish taking your bath.

when i look at the floor,
i see you lying on the bed under my mine.
we studied till we fell asleep
i slept first, then you did.
i woke up an hour later.
you were'nt used to the cold, so i turned off the air-cond
and put my blanket on top of yours.
i fell asleep afterwards.

but all these memories are just that.
memories.

since you're gone,
i will cherrish these memories
and i won't ever forget them.

syara, i'm sorry if i hurt you in any way
if i did, i hope you know how deeply i regret that

and i want to say that durrah and i miss you a lot
we will remember you everyday
we were always together
the three of us
but now, there's only two left
and nobody can replace you.

mimie syara,
i want to thank you with all my heart
for being such a wonderful cousin,
an awesome friend,
a great daughter
and the best sister i have ever had.

i will always love you.
forever and ever...

tagging

Tagging:

1. Nurul Farhana, Aina Qistina, Farah Hani, Nor Diyana, Iza Shafinaz, Ng Ee Xsien, Hidayah, Maisarah, Syaza Diyana, Ahmad Fawwaz, Asyraf, Affandy. (looks like i don't really have a close one, huh?)

2. ??? Syaoran Lee??? haha (gomen ne, syaoran-kun)

3. everyone who is anyone who doesn't annoy me a lot.

4. i have to say Hidayah and Farah Hani. :)

5. my friends. too many to count. but i tell most of my secrets to Nurul Farhana, Aina Qistina and Farah Hani.

6. hmm... Fawwaz? he keeps saying crazy things and we end up stealing each other's stuff. let's not forget Affandy, Asyraf, Hidayah and Maisarah!

7. Fawwaz, Affandy, Asyraf, Rizal, Izzat.

8. :) anyone who has a sense of humour and who hasn't any plans of bombing me sooner or later.

9. Olivia Edkins ;)

10. Azim is the creepiest of all for me. :P

11. Nurul Farhana X3

12. only 3??? Nurul Farhana, Aina Qistina and my angel. :D

13. of course, my angel. XD

14. without a doubt, Azeez. btw, Asyraf has already shown his stripes too but Azeez is a typical everyday pervert you should stay away from.

15. DBSK!!!!!!!!!!! 8D haha and Hidayah's too.

16. The Fatins. -fatin s. -fatin i. -and of course, me, fatin r. XP

17. Hidayah and Farhana Kassim (the prankster)

18. ??? hmmm... let's see... DBSK!!!! XD *shot*

19. Farah Hani and Hidayah

20. all of my lovely freinds. X3

21. and again, all of my lovely friends. i absolutely love them!

22. Asyraf, Fawwaz and Nurul Farhana. XD

this is a very weird post for me. (but Azim's weird-er)

reporting

today was quite a bad day
that's all i can say